


Catch the Stars and put them in your Heart

by snowydot



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Infertility, bechloe baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 01:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19367812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowydot/pseuds/snowydot
Summary: Dealing with infertility wasn’t in Beca’s plans for a life side-by-side with Chloe.





	Catch the Stars and put them in your Heart

Beca loves the night sky.

She has been fascinated with the stars since she was a little kid, all those nights when her father took her outside at their backyard and lay on the grass beside her, teaching her everything about the universe.

“Look, Beca.” He pointed to a very bright star. “Do you know which one is that?” He observed his daughter and waited until midnight eyes turned to look up at him as Beca shook her head. “That’s Sirius. The brightest star in the sky from any part of Earth.”

“Even more than the Sun?” She asked.

“Yes, even more than the Sun. You can spot Sirius as it ascends in the east before down, before it settles in the South in the evenings. If you can’t spot Sirius someday, you can use Orion’s Belt to find it.” Beca didn’t even blink, paying attention to every single word her father was saying. Her eyes watched her father’s finger as it followed each little star in the sky, forming drawings in her head. “If you know how to read the map in the stars, you’ll never get lost.”

Those nights spent with her father at the backyard were Beca’s favorite ones. Her head didn’t stop working in the minute she went to bed. She spent countless hours awake, making wishes to the stars and trying to map the whole sky, feeling incredibly amazed by the constellations and their stories.

Orion, Lupus, Cassiopeia, Lynx.

Draco, Delphinus and Lyra.

Each one belonging to the zodiac.

They were countless, but there wasn’t one Beca didn’t know about. The more she grew up, bigger was her interest on learning more about the hidden stories in the stars.

Then her father left when she was fourteen.

She remembers coming home from school to find her mother sitting at the front door waiting for her. Glassy eyes looked up to meet Beca’s and then she just knew.

“He left.”

And as she lay on the bed late in the evening, finally allowing her eyes to shut, she thought about how funny it was that the stars were still shining when she felt in complete darkness.

 

***

 

Shortly after her father left, Beca let go of astrology and found comfort in music. Every tap tap of her fingers as she put new beats into mixed songs she created herself made her feel electric, like she could take the world if she wanted to.

When Beca went to College to please her father, the stars followed her. Of course they did, Beca knew they would never leave. She could spot Sirius every night and make a wish. One single wish, the same one every night, and she wished with everything she had deeply in her heart.

I want to go home.

The thing is, Beca never thought she would find her home exactly where she was.

Entering an A Cappella group wasn’t part of Beca’s plan. She thought about the way the redhead asked her, all bright and sparkly blue eyes. And then Beca realized that, as lame as it could be, she could give it a try. Like, a real try. Maybe that way she’d feel like she’s part of something.

 

***

 

The fist time Beca kissed Chloe was under the stars.

The Bellas were celebrating her performance for DJ Khaled at a bar not far from the house where they all lived together not many time ago.

Beca was feeling dizzy because of the alcohol she had been consuming since the time they arrived. It was late enough for slow songs start to play around, bringing the couples of the place to hold tight on each other as they slowly moved their hips from side to side, lost inside their own world.

Beca’s head turned to find red hair swinging when Chicago twirled Chloe around, their movements matching the song coming from the guitar that a random guy was playing on stage.

The Bellas were talking loudly around her, but Beca couldn’t concentrate on anything but the look on Chloe’s face as she danced with Chicago. Her eyes were closed and her cheeks were reddened, probably due to all the Margaritas she drank. One of her hands was holding onto his neck and the other entered his hair, caressing it softly while her cheeks pressed to his’ as they danced.

It was torturing and damn, it hurt. It hurt as a slam right on Beca’s stomach, because she knew if she had been brave enough to tell Chloe how she felt about her, it could have been her twirling Chloe and making her laugh with silly kisses all over her face.

It was too much.

The pressure of knowing she had no one to blame but herself.

Then Beca heard a voice, maybe her own, telling no one specifically that she was heading outside in search of fresh air. But her voice sounded weak, raspy in a bad way, like there was no air enough for herself and everybody else in the room.

There was too many clouds on the sky that night, which made it hard for Beca to find Sirius and its unmistakable shine up above. Beca couldn’t find any complete constellation either, all of them only half visible, the other half covered by the amounts of gray smoke passing by.

She could spot Cassiopeia though.

All five little stars visible and at full glow.

And as Beca focused on steading her breath, she thought about Cassiopeia and her story. About how she was a queen, maybe not the most glamorous, but still a queen, and ended stuck on the sky forever so everybody could see she was there because of her own failures.

Beca closed her eyes and took a slow, deep breath, in a weak attempt to clean her mind. She knew that feeling. If the Gods punished a queen, why wouldn’t they punish her too?

She didn’t notice the moment Chloe arrived beside her until she felt warm fingers touching her cold ones. Beca’s eyes opened and she turned, looking at her best friend through her lashes.

Chloe had a funny look on her face. Her eyes looked crazy blue, even bluer than usually, and her lips were extremely red with a lot of misplaced lipstick. Beca couldn’t help but think about what -who- happened to her best friend’s lips, images she didn’t want to see suddenly filling her mind and she looked down at her feet, her eyes slamming shut once more.

Chloe’s hand moved to her back. “Are you okay?” Beca suddenly felt an urge to cry or scream, maybe both, and it was so unlikely her. Beca Mitchell doesn’t cry. She closes herself inside her own mind, her heart covered up by all the bricks she passed years placing correctly and it was frustrating to feel so vulnerable when Chloe was around her, so _naked_. Beca’s breath left her shakily as she tried to calm herself down. “Bec-“

“Did I just do it again?” She asked. Chloe frowned and looked down, Beca’s eyes focused on the darkness in front of them. A flash of memories were passing through Beca’s mind. All the little signs Chloe has been giving her through all these years making her head spin nonstop. They could have meant nothing at all, but a slight hope inside Beca’s chest was telling her that maybe Chloe had meant to say something. Maybe Beca wanted her to. “Did I ran away when I should’ve stayed?”

Chloe’s features softened then, her fingers slowly lifting Beca’s chin, bringing her head up until their eyes met. In that moment so many things were said.

And interpreted.

Beca’s eyes flashed to Chloe’s lips as she closed the distance between them, giving Chloe enough time to pull back if she wanted to, but she didn’t. At the first touch of their lips, Chloe left a low, throaty sound that made Beca think maybe she wanted it for as long as she wanted to.

As much as she wanted to.

Beca felt Chloe’s hand flying to her waist as she deepened the kiss, surprising Beca. They moved their heads together, lips parting to catch air only to meet again, making Beca shiver and bury her fingers in red curls.

Beca doesn’t know how long they stayed there, but when they parted and she shyly looked up to meet Chloe’s eyes, she saw everything they could build together.

She didn’t look away when she said, “I want to, Chlo. I want to stay.”

 

***

 

And Beca did stay.

Enough so she could build a life with Chloe in LA, doing her dream job as a music producer while Chloe finished Vet School.

Through the two years that followed their marriage, Beca found out that watching Chloe in the moonlight was her favorite thing. The light coming from the window touched her pale skin and a wave of desire filled Beca, a desire to get closer, go beyond, touch Chloe in all the ways she knew she could but still couldn’t believe that Chloe was hers. Forever.

But right now, it is the morning sun that beautifully kisses Chloe’s skin. Her red hair looks like it’s on fire and her profile is serene as she involuntary looks down and caresses her growing belly while making breakfast. When she realizes her wife is quietly observing her, Chloe gives Beca a warm smile and pecks her lips.

“Morning, babe.”

Beca kisses Chloe once more. “Good morning.” She goes down on her knees and gives a sweet kiss to Chloe’s belly. “And good morning, you.”

They’d started talking about growing their family about a year ago, and decided Chloe was going to carry the first one. Luckily, their first attempt of IVF was a success and Chloe is now almost-five-months pregnant with a baby girl. Beca couldn’t be more in love with her.

The telephone rings in the living room and Chloe walks away from Beca. “I’ll get it. Watch the pancakes.”

Beca does as she’s told, adding some blueberries on Chloe’s Mickey-Mouse-shaped pancakes, just the way she knows her wife likes and turns the fire off. She finishes settling up the breakfast and sits on the table as she waits for Chloe to return.

“Who was it?” She asks in the moment Chloe comes back. Chloe looks at her and Beca can see some tears in her eyes, but not the emotional ones she has been used to for the last four months. These ones are scared ones, the kind of tears you drop when you’re apprehensive about something. Beca reaches for Chloe hands on the table. “Hey, what happened?”

“It was Dr. Williamson.” Chloe says calmly. She takes a sip of the orange juice and faces Beca again. “He wants to see us in person and asked if we could make it to the clinic. I told him we’d be there at ten o’clock.”

Beca checks the hours on her phone. “Then we better rush, there’s only forty-five minutes left. Wasn’t there another free hour on Dr. Williamson’s agenda? Maybe a bit later?”

Chloe gets up and takes hers and Beca’s plates and glasses, putting them in the dishwasher. She was acting nervously, Beca could tell. “There was, but I couldn’t wait until four. If he found out there’s something wrong with the baby, Bec-“

“Baby.” Beca interrupts Chloe’s frantically actions and grabs both her hands. “There’s nothing wrong with the baby. Our little one is just fine, I promise.” Beca takes hold of Chloe’s face, touching both her cheeks and looking sweetly at her. “Let’s change and leave so we don’t get stuck on Saturday traffic.” She pecks Chloe’s lips. “And you’ll find out how right I am. As always.” She gives her wife a wink which Chloe replies with a eye roll.

Half an hour later they are sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Williamson’s particular clinic. Chloe’s hold on Beca’s hand is too tight, but Beca isn’t complaining.

Beca always had facility on holding back her feelings. It was easier to keep it within her chest than to talk and make herself vulnerable and even though she trusted Chloe enough to share everything with her, Beca will not allow herself to let it show on her face how worried she actually feels about that call. And she’s still holding her breath when she sits beside Chloe in Dr. Williamson’s room, her hand never leaving Chloe’s.

“Good morning, ladies.” Dr. Williamson greets them both. “Hope you’re feeling great this morning.” The man turns to Chloe. “How are you, Mrs. Mitchell? Any more pregnancy symptoms?”

“God, yes.” Chloe chuckles. “My feet look like potatoes now and I’ve been forgetting everything.”

“She also has been clumsier than ever.” Beca adds. “Two glasses are gone and there’s an extra crack on her phone screen. Only this week.”

Chloe playfully slams her wife’s arm as Dr. Williamson gives a quietly laugh. “That’s a very normal symptom of the second trimester, believe me.” He takes his glasses off and puts them on the table, crossing his fingers together before turning his attention back to the women in front of him. “So, what I wanted to discuss with you both is a very delicate subject and that’s why I asked you to come to the clinic.”

Chloe couldn’t help but ask, “Is there anything wrong with the baby?”

Dr. Williamson gives her a gently smile. “No, Mrs. Micthell. Your baby girl is growing a hundred percent healthily.” He turns his attention to Beca. “Actually, we found an alteration on your wife’s exams.”

Beca feels her heart beating loudly on her ears as Chloe holds her hand tighter than before. “What is it?”

“I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, you see.” Dr. Williamson explains. “But I’ll ask you a few questions now and then you’ll need to go and make an ultrasound and a few more exams.”

Beca feels incredibly nervous and the way Chloe looks at her -like she might explode in tears any minute- doesn’t really help. “I- uh...” She shakes head. “I mean, okay.”

“Alright then, Mrs. Mitchell. I’ll start with the questions, is that okay?” He waits for Beca’s nod before keep going. “Do you suffer with strong colics during your period time?”

Beca thinks about how she feels like she might die from her colics and how Chloe needs to stay with her, pressing hot towels to her lower belly. “Yes.”

“The pain is mild, severe or sharp?”

She thinks for a while before answering. “I’d say it’s severe, but also sharp.”

Dr. Williamson nods. “Do you feel any pain when you’re having sexual relations?”

“No.”

“Does your family have any register of endometriosis?”

Chloe has been watching her carefully from the corner of her eyes, but when the doctor makes that last question, her head turns to look at Beca.

Beca clearly remembers her aunt telling her mom the reason why she couldn’t get pregnant and closes her eyes as she answers. “Yes”.

Dr. Williamson says something about sending Beca to the ultrasound room, but Beca doesn’t really listen to him. Her head is focused on the fact that her little girl is safe and healthy, even though she apparently isn’t.

 

_Endometriosis._

Beca thinks about that one word for too long, until it sounds senseless to her ears.

“It happens when the endometrial tissue is displaced from the uterus.” Dr. Williamson explains. “It may cause a lot of severe pain and fertility issues. Unfortunately, there’s no explanation yet of how the endometrial tissue manages to migrate from place to place.”

Beca doesn’t understand anything the doctor said, but nods anyway. “I’m not able to get pregnant?”

Dr. Williamson frowns. “See, many women with Endometriosis actually do get pregnant, that’s not impossible. But the biggest part of them had one or more miscarriages.” Beca feels Chloe’s thumb running up and down her palm. “It’s a tough process, Mrs. Mitchell. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up.”

“Well,” Beca sighs. “Lucky me I married a woman then.”

Their way home is quiet, except for the low music coming from the radio. Beca had planned on starting to paint the nursery the next morning and she doesn’t want the weird knot she feels in her stomach to keep her from doing so.

Chloe says there’s a few things she needs to study for her coming exams, so Beca tells her she’ll be in their room.

Beca reaches hers and Chloe’s room feeling unexpectedly cold and slides under the blankets. She grabs her headphones and sets play on her Spotify playlist, not caring about the random song filling her ears.

She turns to her side and closes her eyes, thinking about nothing and everything.

Beca is almost asleep when Chloe enters the room, smiling at how common it is to find her wife under the blankets on a Saturday afternoon. Chloe takes a minute to just admire Beca’s face, the way her chest goes up and down as she breathes. As Chloe approaches the bed, she realizes Beca’s shoulders are shaking.

“Bec?” Beca opens her eyes and look up to meet her wife’s. “Are you okay?”

Beca taps on her phone to pause the music and takes the headphones out. “Yep. Just fine.”

“I don’t think so.” Chloe touches Beca’s neck and forehead. “Beca, you’re burning.”

Beca rolls her eyes. “I’m not. I’m just cold.” She uncovers the rest of the bed. “Come lie with me?

Chloe takes off her shoes and, momentarily putting aside the thought of grabbing the thermometer to measure Beca’s fever, she lies down beside her wife, getting closer until she can wrap her arms around Beca and keep her close to her chest.

Beca’s hand finds the hem of Chloe’s shirt and goes under it, resting on her wife’s belly. Chloe covers Beca’s hand with her own. “Do you wanna talk about today?”

Beca sighs and shakes her head. “Not really, no. I’m okay.”

Chloe pulls away a little to meet Beca’s eyes. “It’d be okay if you weren’t, though.” She caresses her wife’s cheek. “You can talk to me about what you’re feeling, Becs. You know that.”

“I know.” She kisses Chloe’s neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

***

 

Beca isn’t fine.

She doesn’t let Chloe see it though, her smile always bright whenever she holds her wife close, caressing her now-eight-months-pregnant belly and talking to their baby.

Her love for Chloe grew inexplicably as Beca watched her wife’s body changing to accommodate their daughter. She thinks Chloe never looked more radiant, all kinds of beautiful and a part of her ached to think Chloe might never never know this feeling, this love. The my-wife-is-growing-my-baby kind of love.

It was a complicated situation Beca saw herself in. She couldn’t help but feel the guilt filling every little cell of her being because it wasn’t fair to Chloe. Chloe is there by her side, only a month from giving birth to their daughter and still, Beca feels like something’s out of place.

Chloe gets home a bit earlier from the vet school to find Beca sitting on a chair on their kitchen. Her head is down, supported by both her hands and there’s an empty glass of wine in front of her. Her cheeks are red and Chloe can’t tell if it’s the wine or if she’s been crying.

A quiet sniffle answers Chloe’s question.

Chloe feels helpless and paralyzes against the kitchen door, not sure of what do to, since Beca never cries. But before she could take a step forward, Beca lifts her head and meet her eyes. The look on her face breaks Chloe’s heart in little pieces and Beca looks desperate.

“Hey, you arrived earlier.” She gets up fast and sloppy, walking towards Chloe. “Did something happen to the baby? Are you feeling anything?”

“No, I’m fine. Just had a few tests at school and then I was free to go.” Chloe looks down to her hands before meeting Beca’s eyes again. “You’re crying.”

It’s an affirmation, not a question. And still, Beca manages to wipe her eyes and makes a confused frown. “I’m not.”

Chloe rolls her eyes and urges Beca to sit again. “You’ve been a bit off lately, I’m not an idiot, Beca.” She reaches for Beca’s hand. “What’s going on? Please, talk to me.”

Beca shrugs, her free hand reaching up to put a brown curl behind her ear. “It’s silly.”

“It’s not silly if you’re crying over it.” Beca takes her hand from Chloe’s to run it through her hair. “If it has anything to do with-“

“I just- I’m feeling so-“ Beca cleans her throat and takes a deep breath before trying again. “I thought it wasn’t possible to fall even more in love with you. Then we decided on having a baby and I got to watch your body change and I don’t think it’s possible for me to put in words how much I love you right now. And I mean all of you. Every extra curve you gained, the way your eyes shine when you watch me as I talk to our little one in the mornings and the way your smile comes so easily when you look down at your belly.” Beca stops abruptly. She wasn’t looking Chloe in the eyes as she said all of this, but she does look up now.

Midnight eyes meet ocean ones, both equally filled with tears.

“You’re growing my baby. And I just wanted to be able to grow your baby, too, so you could love me the way I love you right now.” Beca has tears falling free down her cheeks, but she doesn’t bother cleaning them. “Is it too much to ask? I’m so thankful for our little girl, I really am, I just- I’m so sorry, Chlo. I’m sorry I’m feeling this way and I’m sorry I can’t give you a baby.” Chloe closes the gap between them and holds onto Beca tightly, getting as close as her belly allows her to. “I’m sorry I can’t give you a baby.” She repeats in Chloe’s ear.

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Chloe’s voice is weak, barely something above a whisper. She pulls back a little to clean Beca’s tears and doesn’t wait for her answer. “Never apologize for telling me how you’re feeling. You have nothing to feel sorry for, this isn’t your fault, Beca.” Chloe can’t keep her own tears from filling her eyes, but she manages to take a deep, shaky breath to avoid herself from falling apart right now, her chest hurting with an inexplicably ache at the knowledge of Beca’s feelings. At the thought she never payed enough attention to realize everything her wife is battling with.

“You have absolutely no idea of how much I love you.” Chloe goes on. “You are so loyal with everything you compromise with. You are beautiful, inside and out and you have such a sweet heart beneath that badass mask you’re always wearing.” Beca gives a watery laugh, her head bobbing back only to fall forward again as she rests her forehead against Chloe’s. “You’re my person, Becs, my best friend. There isn’t one single thing I would change about you.”

Beca feels like an invisible weight just left shoulders. Of course Chloe would be this understanding. She brings both her arms to circle Chloe’s neck and gives her a languid, slow kiss, trying to transmit everything she can’t put in words. “Please do not think I’m not thankful for our daughter.” She says when they part.

“I don’t.” Chloe smiles and pecks Beca’s lips. “I think she’s the luckiest for having you as her mommy.” She kisses Beca again.

And again as she pulls Beca by the waist and walks backwards to the living room, where she urges Beca into the couch, moving to stand on top of her.

Chloe tells Beca how perfect she is as she kisses every part of her body, all the parts people usually don’t pay attention to. Their clothes fall to the floor piece by piece and soon they’re moving rhythmically, Chloe whispering little nothings in Beca’s ear that mean everything to her.

 

Later that night, Beca lies outside at the backyard. It’s been a while since the last time she’d done it. Her eyes follow the little dots above trying to find the drawings her father showed her all those years ago and Beca smiles when she realizes they didn’t go anywhere.

Chloe appears beside her with a blanket in hands. She lies down on her back and wraps them both in the blanket. “What are we doing?” She asks, eyes glued on the sky.

“We’re stargazing.” And then Beca sees herself talking nonstop.

She tells Chloe about her childhood and the times her father used to stargaze with her. She shows Chloe all the drawings in the stars, her fingers pointing and making invisible paths in the sky, mapping it from north to south, east and west.

Chloe looks at Beca as she speaks, eyes filled with admiration and unmistakable love. “Can you see that shining little one?”

Chloe looks up at the direction Beca’s finger points. “I guess so.”

“Can you see how it descends in the sky, forming an open W?” Beca shows Chloe the five little dots shining bright up above.

Chloe hums.

“That’s Cassiopeia. It was-“ Beca stops and sits up to look down at Chloe. “I was looking at Cassiopeia at that bar when I first kissed you. It was the only constellation visible that night. Do you think... Do you think it would make a decent name?”

Chloe sits up with her legs crossed, eyeing Beca curiously. “You want to name our baby Cassiopeia?”

Beca can feel the heat coming up her cheeks and looks down at her hands, quite embarrassed. “Yeah- I mean, unless you don’t like it. In that case, we can-“

Chloe laughs and stops her with a kiss that almost makes Beca fall on her back again. “I think it’s perfect.”

Beca smiles, her nose brushing Chloe’s. “You do?”

“Uh huh.” Chloe gets up. “Let’s get back inside, you stargazer. Your little Cassie girl is hungry.”

Beca feels happiness filling her from inside out as she watches Chloe in the kitchen. She smiles to herself and, with a last look to the sky, she gets up, thinking about how she would have her little Cassie, her own constellation in her arms in a few short weeks.

Not Cassie from Cassandra or Cassie from Cassidy.

Cassie from Cassiopeia.

 

***

 

Beca finds love once more when she holds her daughter for the first time, hypnotized with that little bundle in her arms. Chloe looks at her from the bed, eyes sparkling with something Beca never saw before.

Serenity.

Peace.

Love. Much, much love.

Cassiopeia Rose is born and so is a part of Beca that she didn’t know yet. A motherly, careful side. That makes Beca think twice before making decisions, considering how much it would affect her daughter. A side that makes Beca feel like battling the world to see her little girl happy.

Watching Cassie as she discovers the world around her quickly becomes Beca’s new favorite thing. A simple walk through the neighborhood turns out to be a spectacle of lights and colors to Cassie’s eyes. Beca’s smiles flows easier than before as she sees her four-month-old accepting a flower from her mama, little blue eyes glowing with curiosity as if questioning how it is possible that weird thing to habit the same world she does.

When Cassie starts taking her first steps, Beca takes her pain, her fears and her skin soft bruised by falls and kisses them over and over again, as Cassie wraps her little arms around her mommy’s neck because that’s what safety means to her.

But still, from time to time, Beca feels vulnerable about being a good mother and searches the shelter she knows she will always have in Chloe’s embrace. Chloe holds her close and talks to her like she talks to their daughter.

Softly.

Bravely.

With patience and love.

With an open heart.

“I’m not completely there either, Becs.” Chloe tells her. “But that’s another lesson Cassie taught us everyday, it’s not about completion, it’s a day by day evolution. We’re great mamas.”

Beca holds onto Chloe tightly, burying her face into Chloe’s neck. “God, this is exactly why I chose you to do life with.”

Chloe laughs into Beca’s hair, the sound filling Beca’s chest with genuine happiness. “That’s the only reason huh?” Beca feels Chloe’s hand as it follows the path in her abdomen and goes further up to cup her breast beneath her shirt.

Beca gasps softly. “That and other things.” She glues her lips to Chloe’s.

Chloe kisses her tenderly, breaking it too soon for Beca’s like. “You think it’s time for another?”

Beca frowns. “Another what?”

“Another baby, Becs. You know... Cassie is one and a half.” Beca untangles herself from Chloe’s hold and sits on the edge of the bed, eyes facing the ceiling. Chloe chases her, arms circling Beca from behind.

Beca sighs, placing both her hands in Chloe’s forearm. “I’m not sure about that, Chlo.”

“We can start looking for treatments for you. I know you’re scared, I am too, but we’re together in this, right? I believe in you.” She kisses the spot where Beca’s shoulder meets her neck, moving upwards towards her ear. “Now come here and make a baby to me.”

And so Beca does.

 

***

 

It’s a Saturday golden hour.

Beca walks with a sleeping Cassie on her hip and a bag with a present for Chloe on her hand. They’ve left the house two hours earlier so Chloe could have some work done without any baby music playing the background with Cassie’s little voice echoing the words she still can’t pronounce correctly.

The house is quiet when Beca arrives. She walks upstairs to leave Cassie on her crib and goes back downstairs to look for her wife in the kitchen.

Chloe looks tired. She has her glasses on and is looking down at the laptop screen. Her head is down supported by one of her hands while the other taps at the mouse.

“Hey.” Beca greets, leaning down to place a kiss to Chloe’s cheek. She turns towards the sink to wash her hands. “I bought something for you.” She stands in front of her wife, excitement visibly running through her body like a kid with a chocolate.

“Dr. Williamson called me today.” Chloe takes off her glasses and looks up at her. “He said he’s worried about you, Beca. You had three miscarriages in eight months, are you sure you want to keep trying?”

Beca rolls her eyes, fingers gripping tightly the bag she’s holding. “I’m fine, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“What about the considerable amount of weight and blood you’ve lost and the way your pressure keeps falling all the time because you don’t have enough energy in your body?”

“I’m going to get better with time, I promise. I’m having a bit difficulty to get emotionally stable after everything, you know.” Beca shrugs, balancing her weight from one foot to another.

Chloe looks at her angrily, words jumping from her mouth before she can catch them. “Yeah? Well, you’re not the only one who lost three babies, you’re not alone in this pain. But I’ve been trying to find answers to make all this shit make sense, you have this obsession with getting pregnant and all I have is you.”

Beca feels her blood running through every part of her, her voice louder than she intended. “You were the one who started looking for the treatments, Chloe. I was fucking scared of going through this and I’m sorry it isn’t pleasurable for you to watch.” Beca stops when she hears Cassie crying upstairs. She breathes fast, trying to contain her emotions, eyes flying to the bag in her hands before meeting Chloe’s. “I’ll go get her.”

“No.” Chloe stops her by holding her wrist only to ler her go, as if Beca’s touch burned her skin. “I’ll go get her and you stay here, Beca, because if you follow me I’ll start to scream and I don’t want my daughter to listen to it.”

Beca’s heart balances and trembles crazily in her chest, but she manages to catch it before it falls. “She’s my daughter too.”

Chloe doesn’t look back at her as she climbs the steps towards Cassie’s room.

And just like that, Beca leaves the house, the present she brought to Chloe forgotten on the kitchen floor.

She walks fast and stops when she reaches the park at the end of the street, sitting under a tree while trying to contain her tears.

There are stars full of light cutting the sky.

There’s the empty streets under the light that comes from the sky and there’s the girl under the tree, face covered with tears and a hand on her belly.

There’s the continuing growl of the engine and then the twin headlights getting bigger and stronger, like two stars in a supernova state coming towards Beca, who carries a single secret in her heart and promises to keep. She turns to the headlights that light her up and doesn’t hide.

She doesn’t run.

The car disappears within the darkness and Beca stays there until she spots a man on the other side of the street. She can see him knocking at someone’s door through the tree’s timber. Beca has no idea what time it is and her legs are freezing now. The streets are as still as death and the yellow lights coming from the poles make it look even colder, ghostly. The man looks lonely as he leaves when no one allows the door.

Beca feels like that.

And then she’s walking again, feet moving without her consent and taking her to the opposite side of where her house is. She breathes fast and her heart is crazily beating inside her chest when Jesse opens the dor.

“I’m pregnant.” Beca says in a breath and then she’s falling.

She covers her mouth trying to contain a sob and Jesse walks closer to hug her tight. Beca cries into Jesse’s shoulder for a few minutes before he leads her inside to give her some water.

“Are you a bit calmer now?” Aubrey, who appeared once they stepped inside, asks. She carries hers and Jesse’s three-year-old son on her hip and Liam throws himself towards his Godmother.

Beca takes him from Aubrey, squeezing his tiny body against hers. “I guess so.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Jesse’s chocolate eyes look up at her from where he’s sitting on the couch.

Beca sits down beside him and takes a deep breath before telling them everything that happened in the last three months.

Dr. Williamson calling her to ask what she wanted to do about the last one fertilized egg that remained and Beca telling him to save it so she could go and pick it up.

How she looked to another clinic with no hopes at all, only to try once more, behind Chloe’s back.

How the baby didn’t stop its evolution at six weeks, like happened three times before.

“It’s been three months already, Beca. You’re not going to loose the baby this time.” Aubrey says. “And I can’t believe you haven’t told Chloe yet.”

“She’s scared, Bree.” Jesse tells his wife. “But she’s right, Beca. You need to tell Chloe.”

Beca runs her hand through her Godson’s hair. “I was going to. I even bought a present to tell her in that cheesy way couples usually do.” She exhales, tired. “And then we had a fight and I left the house and I’m sorry I ended up here, but I just didn’t know what to do.”

“Everything’s gonna be fine. I’ll drive you home when you’re ready to leave, okay?” Jesse gives her a gentle smile. “And no apologize needed, Becaw.”

Beca ends up on the carpet floor playing with Liam for a few minutes. He shows his many different Lego characters and giggles hard when she tickles him all over his body. Half an hour later, Beca is putting her sleeping Godson on his big boy bed and then Jesse drives her home.

She curls her fingers nervously when she stops at the front door, Cassie’s screams echoing through the whole house. She closes her eyes before stepping inside, immediately spotting Chloe in the living room trying to calm their daughter down.

“Mommy!” Cassie cries, trowing herself towards Beca, who takes her from Chloe without saying anything and leads to Cassie’s bedroom.

Bed time means Beca time, and she knows it. She feels guilty for leaving the house so late in the night and breaking Cassie’s routine. Beca sits down on the rocking chair and rocks her daughter while quietly singing to her.

It was easy and calm and in an instant, Cassie is soundly asleep. Beca takes her time to just sit there rocking both her babies, one on her arms and one in her belly. She watches Cassie carefully, all her features. Her long red lashes and her baby fingers.

The way she rubs her hand against her ear to sleep, just like Chloe does. Her red curls and how it looks like it was fire-kissed.

Beca’s love for her fills her entire heart, in a way that almost hurts. And as she gets up to leave Cassie on her crib, she thinks about how the thought of that little girl not being her daughter is the greatest lie ever told.

Staying at the door of her bedroom, Beca prepares herself for what’s about to come. She exhales nervously and opens the door to find Chloe sitting at the edge of their bed, looking as nervous as she is.

Beca closes the door slowly behind her, praying that Chloe won’t fight her. “Hey.” She says hesitantly. Her eyes fly to the present bag she bought Chloe that lies loosen on the floor and the picture she took of Cassie hugging her belly is on the bed, as well as the pregnancy test and the little pair of shoes. Beca walks towards Chloe, realization that her wife just opened it reaching her. “Look, Chloe-“

“You’re pregnant.”

Chloe’s eyes are glued on the floor. She seems lost, and the expression she carries makes Beca’s heart hurt in an inexplicable way. She feels like she betrayed Chloe somehow. “I... yes. I’m pregnant.”

“How long?” Chloe asks, still not looking at Beca.

“Three months.” Beca watches her wife as she bites her lower lip and turns her face to the opposite side of the room. And that’s how she knows Chloe is crying. She kneels down in front of her. “Chlo, can you look at me?”

Chloe turns to face her, all red cheeks and teary eyes. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Beca.”

“I know it was very shitty of me and I’m sorry.” Beca assures her. She looks away from Chloe, feeling awkwardly embarrassed.

“What is it?” Chloe asks.

“I just didn’t want to give you any hopes.” Beca’s voice is weak, like she can’t breathe properly. “I picked up the last fertilized egg and did the procedure in another clinic so you wouldn’t find out because I didn’t want to disappoint you a fourth time.” Beca lifts her hands to rest against Chloe’s tight. “If the baby didn’t survive I would have gotten through everything by myself. But, well,” Beca smiles down to her belly. “I think this little one is a big warrior.”

Chloe gives in and kneel on the floor with Beca, throwing her arms around Beca’s neck, holding her close and tight. “When are you going to stop putting my feelings before yours?” She whispers against Beca’s neck and pulls away slowly, hands flying to wipe her tears. “How many times do I have to tell you? We’re together in this, Beca. You are my _wife_. I’m here to support you and help you through everything.” Chloe stays quiet for a while, brushing her nose against Beca’s before whispering, “You have never disappointed me. The three miscarriages you went through are proofs of how strong you are. I love that you consider my feelings because that’s a important aspect on a relationship, but please never do something like that behind my back again.”

“I won’t.” Beca rests her forehead against Chloe’s. “And I’m so sorry for earlier.”

“No, I’m sorry. After you left and I realized what I said about Cassie being my daughter I- God, Bec, I’m so sorry.” Chloe has a new round of tears filling her eyes and Beca can see the pain in her eyes as she reaches up and wipe them away. “Cassie doesn’t have your smile, but she has your laugh. She doesn’t have your eyes, but she sees the world through the same lenses you do. She won’t allow anyone but you to put her to sleep, you know that. She’s so yours, Bec.”

Beca sighs contently, taking Chloe’s hand to rest against her belly. “This little one loves his mama so much. Both our hearts go crazy whenever we listen to your voice.”

Chloe looks at Beca in a way that reassures her that there is light, there is goodness, there is hope and the most magical things in the the world. Beca holds her face and kisses her in a passionate way, their bodies pressed together as they hold each other tight.

When they lie together under the blankets, Chloe moves herself down to kiss Beca’s belly and whisper sweet nothings to their little one for the first time.

It’s a moment Beca never wants to forget. How Chloe brushes her nose around her belly, her smile never leaving her face.

How Chloe wants to know every detail, wants to see each ultrasound and wants to plan, to wait, to imagine how Cassie will be like as a big sister.

The realization of how much Chloe loves her. Deeply, crazily and truly.

“I love you so, so much.” Chloe tells her, her arm shifting to rest against Beca’s middle, as if she’s trying to hold her belly on the right place.

After Cassie was born, the world suddenly became way more dangerous and challenging to Beca’s eyes. But she realized that the courage and force she found out to face everything are infinitely bigger than that.

And Beca is glad Chloe’s the only one able to give her that.

 

***

 

Beca was incredibly happy.

She and Chloe proudly announced her pregnancy to both their families and the Bellas on the next weekend, everyone entering their big bubble that overflows love and dreams.

Every night Chloe takes her time to slowly fill Beca’s belly with fancy-smelling lotions and talking to their baby, who they soon found out to be another girl.

Everything felt so perfect and they didn’t expect their happy bubble to explode so soon.

Beca enters the room for her 24 week check up and the doctor tells her that her baby is smaller than she was supposed to be.

“We’re concerned she isn’t getting enough nutrients from your placenta to sustain life full term, Mrs. Mitchell.” The Doctor told her.

It was told Beca she would deliver by 28 weeks, so the Doctors could grow her baby “better” outside of her.

In that very same night though, Beca wakes up in the middle of the night to a weird feeling. Her legs are sticky and wet and she tries to turn around to wake Chloe up, but her body feels extremely heavy.

“Chlo.” She calls, touching Chloe’s back as best as she can. Chloe hums in her sleep, not opening her eyes. “Chloe.” Beca tries again, weakly shaking her wife’s arm.

Chloe opens her eyes and slowly takes everything in. “Are you okay?”

Beca shakes her head. “I’m feeling extremely weak. Can you turn the lights on?”

Chloe moves out of the bed fast and almost falls when the sheet gets stuck on her feet. She turns the lights on only to gasp loudly, every bit of sleep leaving her immediately.

Beca’s lower half is covered in blood.

Chloe stops for a minute just taking in the scene in front of her, her feet glued onto the floor. Then she runs to Beca’s side, both hands flying to stroke her wife’s cheeks.

“Hey.” Beca’s head bobs from side to side in her hands. “Beca, baby, you’re okay. Stay with me, do not close your eyes.”

Chloe somehow manages to call Aubrey and asks her if she can come over to watch Cassie for her, before calling an Uber and taking Beca into her arms.

Less than five minutes later, Aubrey arrives in time to see Chloe sitting at the backseat of the Uber with Beca’s head on her lap.

The driver gives them a shocked look. “Drive as fast as you can to the nearest hospital, please.” Chloe tells him.

They arrive at the hospital in fifteen minutes that feels like a whole lifetime.

“Baby, I can’t carry you all the way up. Can you walk?” Beca blinks up at her with a faint nod.

Before Chloe realizes, the door is open and the Uber driver is taking Beca from her, climbing the stairs fast and steady. Chloe quickly follows him, a mix of ‘my wife’ and ‘please’ and scared ‘helps’ flying from her mouth instantaneously.

She manages to pay the Uber driver, taking whatever quantity of money she finds as she watches the doctors talking fast while pushing Beca through the hospital corridors.

“What’s going on?” She asks nobody specifically. “Please, I’m her wife.”

A young doctor turns to face Chloe. His eyes look tired but she sees comprehension there. “I assure you everything’s gonna be fine with your wife and your baby.” The doctor puts both his hand on Chloe’s shoulders. “You need to calm down and give yours and your wife’s documents at the reception. We need to take that baby out immediately.”

Chloe feels the floor falling from her feet. She blinks up at the doctor trying to find her voice which gets inexplicably stuck in her throat. “But... she’s so young.” She whispers quietly, her hands nervously flying up to wipe her tears.

“We’re loosing time here. Your baby will grow better outside the uterus and everything’s gonna be fine.” The doctors guides Chloe to the reception, passing her in front of everyone waiting on the line. “You need to rush. There’s an emergency here, placental abruption. Her wife is going to deliver today.” He tells the woman behind the table and before Chloe realizes, the Doctor’s guiding her again.

Her eyes take the entire hospital in a row and her chest hurts from leaving Beca alone. Chloe wants to hold her close and take all her pain, without caring about the world outside. She wants to scream and question why this is happening to them, but in the moment she enters the room and sees her wife settled on the bed ready to bring their second daughter into the world, her mind goes blank.

Chloe sits beside Beca and tilts her head so their foreheads are touching. A tear runs through Beca’s cheek and she opens her eyes, looking up at Chloe to find all the love looking back at her. “I’m sorry you have to go through it all because of my wants.”

“That’s not how it really works, baby. We can have our wishes and wants, but we can’t control what happens.” Chloe caresses Beca’s cheekbone and pulls away a little bit to look into her eyes. “We’re about to meet our baby girl.”

“I’m scared.” Beca whispers, giving Chloe all her truth.

They lock eyes for instant and everything freezes to Chloe. Beca’s look is so deep and intense, that Chloe sees herself traveling in time, thinking about each and every moment that brought them where they are today. About how even on rainy days, Beca is her Sun.

She blinks to keep her tears from falling and cleans her throat before talking. “Me too. But we’ll figure it all together. Did you hear that?” She waits for Beca’s nod. “I’m not going anywhere, Bec.” Chloe kisses Beca’s forehead and holds her hand tightly, letting her head fall a little to rest her cheek against Beca’s hair.

It took half an hour of talking sweet nothings to each other and wiping some tears before the Doctors start talking tensely. Beca feels desperation begin to fill her chest and tries to lift her head only to be held back by Chloe.

Chloe sees a tiny, bloody body passing from hand to hand and a tube going down her baby’s throat. She tells Beca she’ll be right back and rushes to see what’s happening to her daughter. She steps closer before suddenly stopping behind the Doctor.

She takes a minute to just stare at that little body in front of her which looks like anything but a baby. Her daughter is way smaller than a newborn baby should be, her eyes are closed and there’s no cry. Her little hand can’t wrap itself around Chloe’s pinky and her whole body is just a bit bigger than the Doctor’s hand.

But before Chloe can think about asking what’s wrong, another Doctor enters the room and takes the baby with her. Away from Chloe, away from Beca.

And that’s when Chloe falls.

She’s all teary eyes and shaking shoulders as she stands in the middle of the surgery room, feeling helpless as she never felt before. Watching the Doctor take away her baby girl and knowing there’s nothing she could do about it was the hardest thing Chloe’s ever been through.

“Chloe?” At the sound of Beca’s voice, Chloe swallows the sobs that never came out and walks back to her. “Where is her?”

A black Doctor goes down on her knees next to both women. “Hey mamas, my name is Dr. Addison. Your baby girl is alive, but she’s extremely tiny. We call that a extremely preemie and we needed to take her to the NICU right away, so she could get oxygen tubes on.” The Doctor reaches up to squeeze Chloe’s hand. “No worries. She’ll be alright.”

All Chloe can do is to calm both herself and her wife down, trying as much as possible to believe in Dr. Addison’s words.

 

***

 

After Beca’s deliver, everything seemed to fall apart.

The baby was born with 410g. She was tiny and fragile, had tubes in her nose and machines connected all over her little body and Beca ached to hold her. All she wanted was to squeeze her daughter against her chest, like she used to do when Cassie was a baby.

Beca quickly fell into a routine.

She spends the early mornings with Cassie, bathes and dresses her up and Chloe takes her to Nursery, which stays midway to the Vet Clinic Chloe owns. Then Beca gets herself ready and stays the whole afternoon at the NICU with the baby.

Having a baby is hard. Having a NICU baby is a different kind of hard.

It’s hard because her daughter can’t breathe without machines. It’s hard because her daughter took three whole weeks to open her eyes. It’s hard because she’s fragile and the chances of a preemie baby to get an infection or any other “simple” illness is way bigger than a normal newborn. Hard because Beca can’t hold her daughter.

But most of all, it’s hard because Chloe’s not by her side.

On the first month, Chloe visited the baby every day. She held Beca’s hand and they talked about little nothings and just looked at their daughter, admiring the little fighter she was. On the second month the visits were less frequent, Chloe always finding a way to tell Beca how busy she is with the clinic.

It’s been 70 days of visits at the hospital. And in most of them, Beca was alone.

On a Sunday afternoon, Chloe walks downstairs to find Beca with Cassie on her hip. She puts her sunglasses on and reaches to open the front door.

“Where are you going?” Chloe asks, a bit distractedly.

Beca rolls her eyes at that. “To join a gang.”

“Not funny, Beca.” Chloe calls her attention.

Beca puts Cassie down and the two-year-old runs to play in the swing-chair they have at their front-yard.

“I’m going to the hospital.” Beca says, analyzing Chloe’s expression. “Because, well, different from you, I have two daughters.”

Chloe’s face turns into something Beca’s never seen before and she slams the middle table, making Beca jump. “Fuck you, Beca.”

“You have no right of being mad right now.” Beca looks at her in disbelief. “You left me alone through the hardest time of my life. Our daughter can’t breathe without those fucking machines’ help, a simple flu could end her life and I have to stay there alone every single day, wondering if I’ll ever be able to-“

“Stop.” Chloe screams. She has both her hands on her ears, trying to block Beca’s words and tears fall helplessly through her face, making her cheeks wet and red. “Just stop.” She whispers this time.

Beca’s expression softens a bit and she tiredly runs her hands through her head. “She doesn’t even have a name, Chlo.” She says, but it doesn’t look like Chloe listened to anything.

Chloe is all curled up and her hands are still covering her ears. Her eyes are closed and she rocks herself back and forth, mouthing something Beca can’t understand.

All the anger disappears from Beca’s body as she sees Chloe like that. Like a scared child on the corner of a dark room, afraid of all the monsters that live under the bed. Beca approaches the couch and sits down in front of Chloe, her hand hesitantly taking Chloe’s away from her ear.

Chloe opens her eyes. “I couldn’t attach myself to her. If anything ever happens to her Becs, I don’t know how I’ll move on with my life.”

“And your answer to your fear of loosing our daughter was leaving me alone to deal with this whole situation?” Beca looks at her with such disbelief it makes Chloe curls herself even more. “I don’t feel anything different from you, Chloe, my heart aches from how much I love her. But I needed you when she got an infection and when I wanted to die because they wouldn’t let me hold our daughter.” She wipes a tear from the corner of her eyes, thinking about how she never cried so much in her life. “And I still do. I still need you. When we were at the surgery room, you said you’d stay by my side. And then I felt lost and desperate because I can’t do it without you.”

“I’m so sorry.” Chloe wraps her arms against Beca’s neck tenderly. “Please forgive me.”

As they whisper sorry’s and words of forgiveness, their hug grows tighter and tighter. The meeting of two aching hearts ready to help each other heal.

With love.

With gentle actions and sweet words.

Chloe feels Beca’s smile against the crook of her neck and her mouth curves up too. Because they both know that in these tight hugs, they have the most beautiful things in the world.

Before they can unwrap themselves from each other’s arms, their daughter enters the room, pulling Beca’s arms away from Chloe and sitting in her lap. “Mommy, baby sissy!” Cassie exclaims, making both her mothers laugh.

“Yeah, big girl.” Chloe runs her fingers through her daughter’s red hair. “Let’s see your baby sister.”

 

The three of them make it quickly to the hospital, arriving in time to have a couple of hours with the littlest member of the family.

Cassie points at the baby mesmerized with how tiny she is. She gentle touches her sister’s head while babbling “You are my Sunshine” to her, catching the attention of other parents and some nurses of the NICU.

For the first time in 70 days, Beca is able to hold her daughter. She cries once more, only to be followed by her wife when it’s Chloe’s time to hold the baby.

Chloe murmurs something into their daughter’s ear that doesn’t reach Beca, who is playing with Cassie on the floor. “Bellatrix.” She says out loud.

Beca stops painting on the papers the nurses gave Cassie and turns her attention to her wife. “What?”

Chloe doesn’t look up from the baby as she talks, her finger carefully stroking her tiny cheek. “I think we should name her Bellatrix. It means ‘female warrior’ and well, it’s a star name.” She then looks up at Beca, all smiles and sparkling eyes.

“You searched star names to name our baby?” Beca asks, delighted and Chloe happily nods to her. “She is a big warrior, indeed.” She pecks Chloe’s lips. Once, twice. “I love it, Chlo.”

Chloe only smiles and brushes her nose against Beca’s, feeling deep in her heart that everything is going to be fine.

 

***

 

Bellatrix Jane is free to go home after spending 126 days at the NICU.

The most challenging and difficult four months of Beca and Chloe’s life, having a toddler at home and a baby at the hospital, but together they made it.

They arrive home for the first time with their two daughters on a Friday night. Beca goes upstairs to bathe Cassie, while Chloe follows to the backyard with Bellatrix.

When Beca returns with a sleepy Cassiopeia in her arms, Chloe is sitting on the floor with Bellatrix lying snuggly on her chest. Beca sits down beside Chloe, her head falling to rest on her wife’s shoulders and her eyes glued to her galaxy-named babies.

“The stars look amazing today.” Chloe says.

And for the first time, Beca doesn’t look up to stare at the night sky. “I pretty much prefer the ones we have down here.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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